This column looks at new and emerging trends in direct marketing. Alternating columnists are Barbara Canning Brown, a leading figure in the Canadian direct marketing industry, and David Foley, a specialist in database marketing programs.

Over the summer, it seems, judging by the cobwebs in my mailbox, direct mailers take a hiatus, all except the snake oil sellers, that is.

Now, a good direct marketer knows that you determine your best months for mailing by conducting controlled testing.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I guess it’s been determined that when Canadians are finally exposed to a few heatwaves, our brains swell, our reasoning becomes fried, and our normally skeptical outlook turns to mush.

Or, maybe it’s because our American cousins have proved themselves to be at their most gullible in the summer, and, of course, we’re just like them, aren’t we?

Who knows?

In any event, this year I hit the jackpot for being on sucker lists. Must have been a result of that magic cream I bought from Sylvester Stallone’s mom.

Now, I have never, ever thought about responding to a Publishers Clearing House mailing, but, my goodness, when an envelope screams ‘Final Prize Documents’ at one, it’s enough to set the stoniest heart aflutter.

I couldn’t resist at least checking it out.

For starters, the outside of the envelope carried an attached cardboard folder gizmo inside that was the de rigueur solicitation letter along with three personalized labels bearing my, no doubt, winning number.

And, sure enough, inside the envelope was, not one, but, three Winner’s Documents.

The first, the ‘Prize Payment Method Selection,’ indicated my preference to receive my winnings by certified cheque or electronic transfer.

The second, a ‘Release Authorization,’ offered an additional payment of $5,000 if I would consent to the use of my picture in advertising.

And, last, but certainly not least, came my ‘Prize Acceptance Affidavit.’

But, wait, there was more – another contest to win a Jaguar XJS convertible.

All I had to do was choose the color I wanted. Guess how?

By finding the three little stamps with colored cars on them amid a 20-inch long sheet of more than 100 stickers of magazine titles. Oh, you mean the object all along was to get me to order some magazines?

Why do these people persist?

Please don’t tell me it’s because they rent the names of people who enter sweepstakes so more people who rent the names of people who enter sweepstakes can collect more names. Please don’t tell me that’s the reason.

I love the envelope teaser on my next sample from Prevention magazine – ‘Miracle medicines you can make yourself in just minutes.’

I can see it now. Whipping up do-it-yourself digitalis. Maybe this is finally the answer to our country’s healthcare cost problem. Everybody makes their own medicine.

Ordinarily, a typical mail package will contain a letter, a brochure touting the product and some sort of response device or support piece.

My sample was not a typical mail package other than it did have a brochure. In fact, it had at least four of them, plus an eight-page letter cum additional brochure.

Every piece of paper except the reply card listed example after example of the wonderful things one could cure oneself, however, all but one page was designed to tease you by outlining the problem and referring to the corresponding page number…from hearing loss, heartburn and ear infection to, get this, a tool that promised fewer mood swings in women.

How about a long vacation?

My favorite was on the sheet of ‘FREE Samples.’ It read, ‘Drink half a glass of water to which you’ve added a single drop of peppermint essential oil. Before long, your noxious gas emissions will have the minty fragrance of toothpaste or breath mints.’

Hey, it’s sure going to beat having to carry around your own catalytic converter.

Eventually, I did find the response card and…oh, you mean the object all along was to get me to order a book? Plus, I’d get two additional free books if I responded within 10 days.

Who has time to figure this all out? Well, I guess the same people who have the time to plow through the Publisher’s Clearing House mailings, or, better yet, Rockwood Gardens.

Here, the envelope was quieter, but the effect the same…’Prize Claim Form enclosed’…at this rate, I’ll have to get busy and mix up a fresh batch of nitroglycerin for my heart palpitations.

The best part of this one was the personalized letter/order form with a paragraph that went:

‘Naturally, if you’re the big money winner, I’ll call you long-distance to make the necessary arrangements.

‘I’d hate to send someone all the way to Toronto, Ontario only to find you not at home. And a cheque for $100,000 isn’t the kind of thing I could just leave with a neighbor on your street.’

Obviously, these people, although they don’t know I don’t respond to sweepstakes offers, certainly have a good handle on the character of my neighbors.

The best part was buried way down toward the end of a long letter:

‘The only good reason I can think of for not entering this very moment is that you want to look over the enclosed fall garden catalogue first.

Hello? There really was a catalogue amid the order form, facsimile of a winning cheque, reply envelope and sweepstakes brochure.

I can only hope that the sweepstakes offer is intended as added value to the consumers of the merchandise and not that the catalogue is designed to provide added value to the sweepstakes.

Why is it something tells me it’s the latter. And that it’s all probably driven by that old name renting cycle again.

At the end of the day, are there just so many consumers out there who respond to this stuff we all should be designing similarly hyperbolic offers to entice customers?

Or is it that these companies have been operating this way for so long they wouldn’t be structurally and culturally able to stop even if they had the political will?

Or have I just experienced another bout of ‘It’s only junk mail when it’s in the wrong mailbox?’

Barbara Canning Brown, a 20-year veteran of the direct marketing industry, heads a consultant firm specializing in database and catalogue marketing.