Years ago, as a result of spending a very long evening in public with a guy who could be really embarrassing to be with even when he was perfectly sober, a friend of mine came up with a wonderful and timeless piece of folk wisdom which I now share with you in its dazzling entirety: Never, ever, tell a drunk he’s funny.

And as we have now all shared yet another Olympic Experience together with CBC Television, I would like to propose a corollary to the above invocation, which is: Never, ever, tell a guy who plays second banana to Don Cherry he’s funny, either. Makes for a really long couple of weeks. And speaking of long, if you think they’re blowing a lot of dope in Whistler, b.c., what do you figure they’re smoking up at Air Canada?

Copywriter: Like, I woke up in the tub this afternoon, man, and somebody had written, like an ode in Gillette Foamy all over the walls, man, and it went somethin’ like this…

Art Director: Wait, my bongos were here someplace. Oh hell, let me just flip on a cd… Wow, the chick’s singin’ in French! ok…lay it on me!

Copywriter: You have your mother’s eyes. They hold memories in miniature. Your chin is strong. Your mouth is generous. There are things that make you cry. That make you laugh. You are the sum of these parts and more…

Art Director: I dig it. You have a voice that should be heard. You can go as far as you like. You are yourself. Go far. You defy comparison!

Copywriter: Yeah, that’s it! But how did you know?

Art Director: I’m hip. I see a storyboard with cute little black children…naw, make that oriental children eating… watermelon! Yeah, that’s it! And cactus! Lots of cactus! And a Nash Metropolitan! And a woman’s eyes become butterflies like a Grace Slick poster I once saw and… paper airplanes!

Copywriter: Cool. Definitely Podiumsville. Venice Gold Lions, then a quarter mil apiece and leased Targas as vice-president, co-creative directors at… at…

Art Director: Yeah, man, but who could we get to run the sumbitch?

Copywriter: Um, did you say airplanes a moment ago?

ok, ok, I’m sorry, but do you see how difficult it is to parody stuff that already makes Jonathan Livingston Seagull sound like Proust?

Did you catch the fifteen with the guy so busy brushing dandruff off his shoulder that he collides with a brick wall? Then the seedy Eurotrash-type guy with the black tie and the bent-up collar point comes through a door in the wall looking like he just flew all night long in steerage on Air Canada, and we like all go wow and the dandruff guy goes duhhhh and a super says Air Canada has more non-stops to Canada than any other airline and we go sheeee-it and we thought it was Aeroflot! And then the super Defy obstacles comes on which is rumored to have said Defy dandruff when they pitched the concept to Rezdan and then the Air Canada symbol comes on and goes boink! and cranks itself off-centre to the right and we were all so blown away we just fell down on the floor laughing and couldn’t get up.

I’ll tell ya, you defy perception at your own peril, folks! It’s trickier than it looks, and next time, I may just consider an airline that addresses my taste and intelligence a tad more appropriately.

Now you’re sitting there gasping for oxygen, hoping to God there aren’t any Air Canada shares in your mutual fund portfolio, when there appears to be footage of a Northern Ireland street riot on the tv screen, but when you squint it’s only that Labatt out of the Blue spot, which, I admit, is also contrived, irrelevant, devoid of any selling proposition or benefit and yet weirdly moving, in a sort of Nike sense.

Love the Compaq spot where the little city kid has made an Eskimo friend called Okpik on the Internet, only his mom, a tough, cynical, no-nonsense lady, figures Okpik is an imaginary friend.

Mom should apply for the ad manager spot at Air Canada.

Barry Base creates advertising campaigns for a living. He writes this column to blow off steam, and as a thinly disguised lure to attract clients who may imagine working with him could be a productive and amusing experience. Barry can be reached at (416) 924-5533, or faxed at (416) 960-5255, at the Toronto office of Barry Base & Partners.

Off-air dubs reviewed in this column were supplied courtesy of Ad-Watch, a Toronto-based ad monitoring service.