Beer. It dates back to ancient Egypt. So you’d think every permutation would’ve been trotted out by now. Clear beer, high alcohol beer, light beer, ice beer, dry beer, corn beer…Like Boy George’s Karma Chameleon, they come and go. Mostly go.
But beer marketers can’t resist putting a whiz-bang new-age spin on a de rigueur, age-old product. Even though the results are often unintentionally laughable. And occasionally, a would-be new beer idea is such a spectacular misfire that it makes one wonder: what were they thinking?
This year’s Red Dog? Surely Mott’s Clamato Red Eye, which, as the name implies, is Clamato juice blended with lager.
Have I tried it? No. But put another way, I don’t need to dip jujubes into cream cheese in order to experience that particular taste sensation. Some things just aren’t meant to mix. Clamato juice and beer are two of them.
Indeed, this newest beer, like so many before it, is apparently all about creating something new for the sake of creating something new. “A premium lager mixed with a generous splash of robust, zesty tasting Mott’s Clamato,” gushes the PR bumf from the Brick Brewing Company. “A little bit of red gives your taste buds a whole new experience. It will change the way you look at traditional beer forever.”
Well, they got the last part right.
Yes, yes … we have the technology to create a beverage that consists of lager and Clamato juice. We also have the technology to create a live-action Flintstones movie. But just because we can do it doesn’t mean we should do it. What focus group do we blame this fiasco on?
Nevertheless, as the Red Eye deathwatch continues, one can only ponder what the next wannabe hot new beer will be come the summer of ’07. I humbly submit some new beer concepts for the taking. I’ve even come up with some pithy advertising copy. Brick, Molson, Labatt, Sleeman, et al: you know where to send the royalty cheques…
Nico-Beer: Got that nicotine craving yet can’t even smoke at the bingo parlour these days? Fight back against the goody two-shoes with Nico-Beer! The Marlboro Man galloped into our brewery atop Joe Camel and the result is Nico-Beer! Now you can enjoy a fine lager boasting that velvety throat feel of nicotine and tar. It’s like drinking a liquefied Craven A King-Size! Laugh as your arteries clog! Belch as your lungs collapse! It’s bylaw defiance in a 710mL tall boy can! It’s Nico-Beer! (Warning: Will result in death when used as directed.)
Water Beer: Health experts say we’re supposed to drink 64 oz. of water each day. So we’ve taken the beer out of our lager and put the water back in. Yes, we’ve watered-down the beer because Water Beer is healthy beer. Water Beer is safe beer. Water Beer is watery beer. Need hydration as you’re sweating to the oldies? Want to drink and drive? Go on-gulp it down! Water Beer is the only beer with 0.00% alcohol and 100% H20. It tastes great, it’s less filling and it’s more watery! (Note: any resemblance to the American version of Bud Light is purely coincidental.)
Pretzel Beer: Pretzels and beer go together like beer and pretzels. So we’ve ground up the pretzels and injected them right into the beer! Pretzel beer is full of tiny bits of dough and infinite grains of salt, all adrift in a lager of love. Pretzel Beer. It’s the only beer that makes you thirsty. And then quenches your thirst. And then makes you thirsty again. It’s Pretzel Beer. And it’s here.
Heat Beer: Feel the heat! It’s hotter than regular beer. And way hotter than ice beer. And way, way hotter than ice beer left in the freezer overnight. It’s Heat Beer! The hottest beer around. Our brewmaster processes hops and barley through our patented Heatenizer Beer Percolatorª. We then heat the beer to a lava-like 2,000 C. Then we cool it down. The result: Heat Beer. Beer that’s hot to the touch. Beer that’s s-s-smokin’! Beer that will give you hot lips. It’s Heat Beer. Feel the heat. (Please refrigerate after opening.)
Sex Beer: Deep throat, the pulse-pounding ale that is oh-so-shagadelic, baby! It’s Sex Beer. We’ve taken the T&A out of our ads and put it where it belongs-in our cans. Cans! Get it? But maybe you’re not getting it these days? That’s why there’s Sex Beer. Taste those alluring hops! Smell that seductive barley! It’s boner-inducing beer! Drink a six-pack (or two) and cast aside those inhibitions that cruelly prevent you from asking out that really Hot Chick (or even her best friend, the Fat Chick.) It’s Sex Beer. It’s Viagra in a can. And it might be your last best hope of ever getting laid.
DAVID MENZIES is a Toronto writer. His “Consumer Guy” column appears every two weeks.
